Posts tagged #reality

“Your blog makes me feel bad about myself”

Anxiety truth who i am Mama Pyjama Blog

This is something I’ve heard several times over the last two years.  It’s never said with ill-intent, and it’s usually always followed with something like, “because you’re doing all this stuff and I’m just sitting at home watching the TV.” 

I won’t apologise for how my blog makes others feel…but I will say I’m not here to make you feel bad.  I want to motivate you and support you, but most importantly I’m here to share my life honestly with you.  Because honesty is important.  Because there’s not enough of it in the world.

So in case there are any misconceptions about my life – I’ll lay it all out for you to see.

I’ve always believed that there are 24 usable hours in every day.  I’m an achiever.  I am driven by a need to make things happen, to be great at what I do, to be leading the pack.  It’s how I’m programmed, and it’s tied up in my self-worth.  It can be a really awesome thing – I get stuff done, and most of the time I do it well… BUT, it can also be a truly destructive force in my life.

Three weeks ago I crashed and burned.

It was like everything was happening all at once.  Instead of having five or six colourful balls in the air to juggle, I felt like I had forty three flaming fire sticks….  Work pressures had mounted. My extended family were going through a significant period of pain and change.  My son’s health issues were growing.  I was trying to launch my new website which took crazy hours and was a huge learning curve.  Financial pressures were increasing just as I was launching myself into the world of e-commerce, and I was feeling quite dejected in general after several setbacks and lost opportunities over the last 6-12 months.  Put simply, the world was spinning around me with crazy speed and force, and I was standing in the middle feeling exhausted, undervalued, nervous, helpless, vulnerable, anxious, and well and truly out of my depth.  

I found myself sitting in my manager’s office, attempting to have a conversation about a resourcing issue I was having on my project.  It wasn’t a fun conversation, but it’s certainly not something I haven’t done before.  All of a sudden the room felt like it was on fire.  Hot.  HOT like I’d never felt a room feel before.  I could feel the colour filling my cheeks.  I took off my jacket.  My voice changed tone and I was talking really fast.  It was like I was in an inferno and the walls were closing in.  BAM.  I was having my first ever panic attack.  I’ve never felt so out of control in my whole life.  I walked out of the room and straight out the front door and found a park bench to sit at. 

I sat.  I breathed.  I wondered what the hell just happened.  Then I took myself back inside and kept on going.

I should have stopped.

The following week I got influenza.  The universe clearly wasn’t taking no for an answer on this one.  I was bedridden.  I am never bedridden.  I hate being still.  I find it virtually impossible to sit and do nothing.  I was so sick that I literally couldn’t even muster the energy to watch TV, yet I was sitting there with off-the-charts anxiety because I was ‘wasting time’.

I had to take 1.5 weeks off work.  The Sunday before I went back, my youngest was diagnosed with pneumonia.  That same week, my eldest nearly broke his foot.  It doesn’t stop.  But what can we do?

Well me?  I take a deep breath, and I keep going…because that’s who I am.

I’m still going to push myself and I’m still going to try everything in my power to ensure I’m living my life to its fullest potential but my dad, who’s a fellow ‘achiever’, had some good advice for me.  “It's about knowing when to get off the merry go round or change direction”. 

So I will continue to look for new directions, and I will be focusing more on speaking up, saying no, finding balance, supporting my health with supplements, asking for help, and finding ways to get more restful sleep to ensure I don’t reach breaking point again.  I'll also look at ways to slow down a little, and to manage my achievement anxieties a little better too...because if I didn’t, that'd just be stupid, right? 

So there it is.  My life’s not perfect.  I’m not super woman.  I do have a break point.  I do yell when I shouldn’t.  I do take it out on my family sometimes; in fact I completely lose my shiz sometimes.  I do watch reality tv (with a passion way disproportionate to the quality of the show).  I certainly don’t succeed at everything I do.  I do drink too much wine.  I am terrible at phonecalls with friends and family; I often miss texts or emails completely.  My house is an absolute bomb-zone, ‘cause something’s gotta give.  And last week I forgot to supply the grated cheese for all the kids making their own lunch wraps for my son’s 100 days of school celebration. 

I’m not here to make you feel bad.  I’m here to make myself feel better…because all this?  This is my passion.  I’m here to inspire you to find your passion too.  And I’m here to spread the honesty around the universe.  Life’s not perfect.  I’m not perfect.  You’re not perfect.  And that’s ok.  That’s exactly as it should be.

Manifesting Your Reality

"If I dream hard enough, it will be..."

"If I dream hard enough, it will be..."

Over the last week I have lost a few things…a job opportunity, a chicken and, on more than one occasion, my mind.

Here’s what became of the job and the chook…

I woke up Friday morning to find Lovey Loveheart missing.  Upon further investigation my son found a pile of feathers, but no sign of an entry or exit from the coop.  It was a mystery.  A gut-wrenching, horrible, awful mystery.  After a lot of hopeful searching, I reluctantly proceeded to try and explain to my boys that Lovey Loveheart had likely been taken by a fox and would not be returning.  You can imagine the emotional rollercoaster ride that proceeded.  I’ve been in a bit of a funk ever since. 

Compounding the funk is the sense of uncertainty I’ve been feeling of late, as I wait to hear the outcome of my job application at work and my interview with Brownes.  I’ve been stuck in the waiting cycle; now adding to that is the wait for little Lovey to miraculously reappear. 

Yesterday, I got a call from Brownes.  I didn’t win the blogger ‘competition’; I came a very close second.

I hung up the phone and for a small moment, my mind was completely blank.  A peaceful, quiet, knowing space.  It felt good.  Then I began to feel my body’s reaction…hang on, is that relief I’m feeling?  Relief, closely followed by excitement?  Now my brain kicks into gear and the thoughts start flying from every direction.  What just happened?  They just told me I didn’t ‘win’, so how come I feel like I did?

What they also said was this: “We’d like to know if you’d be interested in guest blogging for us?”

So here’s the thing…I really wanted this gig.  It would be fantastic experience with a great WA company and it would be paid work. I could actually put that on my CV.  How cool would that be?  But there was a part of me that was concerned that they wouldn’t think I had capacity to fulfil the role given my fulltime job as a Project Manager.  I KNOW I could do it – I have great time management ability, particularly when I’m passionate about something, but going into the interview this was in the back on my mind the whole time. 

 HERE'S WHAT THIS EXPERIENCE TAUGHT ME ABOUT MANIFESTING YOUR REALITY:

  • It’s about understanding that your thoughts and your perceptions guide the ultimate creation of your experience. 
  • It’s not about getting everything you set your mind to. It’s about seeing the opportunity in everything your mind brings forward into reality. 
  • What we focus on expands.  Thoughts need fuel to evolve into things/situations/experiences.  This fuel is the energy we drive into them. 
  • The nature of our energy will influence the nature of our change.  For example if the energy holds a low vibration (such as negative thoughts, phases, notions) then the outcome will likely be reflective of that energy; the ‘bad thing’ will eventuate or you won’t get the ‘good thing’ you had your heart set on.
  • It’s about acknowledging the power of words and their ability to redefine our world.  Words, like everything else, carry vibration.  We want to be using words that carry high vibrational energy, like ‘gratitude’, ‘love’, ‘abundance’.  We want our internal thoughts to reflect the same vibration.  It’s about reshaping our language (both internal and external) to reshape our reality.   
  • We truly can redefine, recreate and re-scope our reality just by slight shifts in our perception along the way.

So yesterday I realised it was about reshaping my perception of what it means to win.  Moreover, to question whether the value placed on winning is in fact completely wasted energy?  Perhaps it is more important to identify the lessons, opportunities and good fortunes that come purely from the experience of the journey.

I also learnt first-hand the impact that thoughts can have on our reality.  I was so focused on my capacity (or perceived incapacity) to fulfil the role.  Thankfully the focus I put into it was actually still positive energy.  I visualised myself in the role, I felt the excitement and the gratitude for being in the role, I focused my energy on my ability to fulfil whatever the role entailed.  However, there was doubt there about the impact being chosen for the role may have on other aspects of my life.  I am sure that influenced the outcome. 

Fortunately what I in turn managed to do was manifest a reality that suits me perfectly.  I wasn't selected for the advertised role, but instead they CREATED a second job just for me that perfectly aligns with where I am and where I’m headed.  I get to blog for Brownes, and I get to blog about one of the things I'm most passionate about - WELLBEING. 

I trust the universe and I trust that I am exactly where I need to be right now, and I’m grateful for the opportunities I’m presented with.  I believe this way of thinking is key to unlocking the life I dream and imagine myself in, and I hope that I’ve given you some food for thought, or a fresh perspective to ponder...

SO WHAT ABOUT THE CHICKEN?!?

Well my five year old woke every morning for the past 5 days to tell me that he’d dreamt about Lovey Loveheart and that he really misses her and wishes she could come back.

Last night we looked up to see Lovey Loveheart (AKA Rambo) hobbling down our driveway, with a bung leg but otherwise completely unharmed after 5 days in the wild.  This is further proof, my friends, that if you want something badly enough you really can shift your reality…even to a place where chickens can return from the dead.

Breaking Free

"What? I'm igniting my passions!" ;)

"What? I'm igniting my passions!" ;)

Put a video camera in front of my face and suddenly my mouth’s contorted like I’ve just had a root canal, I’ve a vocab of about three words, and I’m all machinegun giggles (this awkward heckling can be heard ringing out through every poignant scene in my wedding video)… So why would I audition for a reality TV show?!  Sounds crazy right?  But that’s exactly what I chose to do on the back of being told I was “boring”.

I realised that I needed to do something drastic – something that completely challenged me, in order to restart my engine.  I’d been idling for years, sitting on the sidelines, waiting for someone or something to come and pull me out of the rut I was in.  I chose to leap, two feet first, guns blazing, straight from Mama Pyjama Syndrome into a ring of social judgement (‘cause that’s just how I do things, but I’m sure that the same can be achieved by taking less extreme steps).

Suffice to say, I didn’t get through to the final round of auditions but what I gained from the experience was the kick-start I needed.  I felt re-energised by the challenge.  As corny as it sounds, I actually felt like ‘me’ again.  I was doing something that for me was completely ‘crazy’, completely on a whim, completely self-driven - and it felt awesome.

When we're feeling exhausted and a little lost some days it seems almost impossible to brush our teeth, let alone get up and do something that falls completely outside the realms of our comfort zone.  But it's so important to do things that increase our energy levels.

I'm no expert, but in my experience, it’s the things that force you into the “now” that set your energy levels flying.  For me it’s activities that get my adrenaline pumping – like rollercoasters, sports (and reality tv auditions!).  Things that force you to think of nothing other than the present living moment.  Activities that elicit the ‘fight or flight’ response.  Obviously this isn’t really a sustainable approach to maintaining our zest for life, but I’ve found it a very effective jump-start tactic, and one that has been pivotal in pulling me out of my Mama Pyjama Syndrome.

I challenge you to take a chance this week.  Say yes to something you never thought you’d be able to do.  Get the blood pumping through your veins again.  Take the time to remind yourself of what makes you, “you”.  Part of being a great parent is knowing who you are and what makes you happy.  Don’t let “yourself” get lost among the dirty nappies and sleepless nights any longer than is absolutely necessary (yes, there’s a period of time where there is little choice but to put our “selves” on the back burner, but that period doesn’t need to last forever).  If you see an opportunity to reignite your passions – seize it!  There’s no shame in being both a “parent” and a happy, fulfilled individual.  We wouldn’t want our children to settle for less than that as adults, so let’s lead by example.  Go on, get out there – break free!