Posts tagged #big

Inner Child

"How could you ignore me?"

"How could you ignore me?"

“Why did you leave me?”

During a sound healing meditation this weekend we called upon our inner child to deliver us a message. This was mine.

A wave of emotion built up inside me and spilled out of the corners of my closed eyes. My mind exploded with a montage of memories…faces, moments, feelings…then they faded, and everything went still as the weight on those five words settled in my heart.

“Why did you leave me?”

This phrase carries a multitude of meanings for me - from abandonment to trust, to fear to loneliness, to a sense of growing up too fast. But most importantly, it brings to the forefront the knowing that I have stifled and oppressed my inner child for too long.

This is how I’ve always dealt with the tough things in life. I pile a whole lot of good stuff on top of the bad stuff and it disappears. I push it down until I can’t see it or feel it anymore. I shove it into the back of the cupboard and cover it over with a big old coat that I’ll never wear again. I separate, I disconnect…I leave it behind.

Somehow in this process I left my inner child behind. She sits in the corner of my mind with her knees to her chin and her long hair falling over her face. She’s barefoot and looks a little hungry. She wears a white dress, long sleeves, a little like a nightie. Her eyes are big, blue, shiny. You can’t see her very well with all the stuff around her; the light can’t get in. There are boxes and books and piles of photographs. And lists, lists, lists. There are clothes on racks and a record player – dusty. A home movie playing over and over on a screen in the background. It would be easy to miss her, to forget her…to leave her behind.

Somewhere along the way, I did just that.

Our inner child is both a subconscious reflection of our emotional experiences from childhood, and the aspect of ourselves that is fun, innocent, creative and straight-shooting. You can get a good sense of your inner child (as it relates to the emotional stuff) if you look at what your triggers are and how you react when your buttons are pressed. Often in these circumstances our behaviour and its intensity is disproportionate to the action or event. We yell, we cry, we slam doors, we sulk - we overreact. To the onlooker we look exactly like the child that is driving us from within.

How I perceive today will never ever be the same as how you perceive today (even if you were sitting alongside me the entire 24hrs). How I perceive and recall events, how I interpret them and how I react to them is based on accumulated emotional experiences and associated reactions. These reactions have become preprogramed to form the inner child I now carry with me today. If you don’t take the time to nurture, acknowledge and heal your inner child, and allow them to grow and integrate with your adult self, your ability to love fully, live openly, and interact meaningfully with others is limited.

In the process of pushing aside the hurts and traumas of my inner child I have, for a very long time ignored the creative, fun, innocent and open aspects of her also. This is something I have been working on reconnecting with since the evolution of Mama Pyjama. I’ve been doing a good job of that – encouraging us all to get in touch with the playful child within us, to live in the ‘now’, to embrace all the wonderful opportunities we are presented with as parents to really let go, relax and be a kid again. But what I am realising now is that this cannot be done in isolation.

 It’s all very well to embrace the carefree aspect of our inner child…but we can’t just ignore the hurts and the traumas.

I need to look inwards and draw my inner child out of the dark corner of my mind to nurture her, heal her and to seek forgiveness.  I encourage you all to do the same. It’s a work in progress, but I know that in doing so I will eventually be able to integrate all the aspects of myself which will allow me to fully be me – no inhibitions, more meaningful relationships, and less anxiety!


"You may say I'm a dreamer..."

"You may say I'm a dreamer..."

In the spirit of the New Year, I wanted to talk a little about dreams and goals and the journey of their pursuit.   A year or so ago I had very few aspirations (and by very few I mean like probably one – “to get through the day”.  That may be a little dramatic, but you get my point).  Today I have so many things I want to do, see, live, breathe, and experience.  I have big dreams, big desires and big passions.  But the fact is the logistics of my life haven’t changed at the same rate as my mindset.  I’m still working the same job, still paying the same mortgage, and I still have all the same commitments as before.  Sometimes it gets hard to see how I can make it work.  How I can hold onto these dreams, when I need both my hands to hold onto my family’s wellbeing, my home, my ‘career’…

I want so much to “throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in (my) sails”…but when you have a family, the decision to do so is no longer yours alone.  I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but it’s the reality.  I would love to quit my job – love to, but it’s not something I’m prepared to do without having a fairly solid idea of what I would do next. 

 “Great ideas need landing gear as well as wings.”  ~ C.D. Jackson

I’m not a patient person.  In most areas of my life I throw myself in head first and play by the motto of "sink or swim".  But in matters of the family, I am different.  Things need to be planned, considered, weighed up and secured before I will take a plunge.  I’ve had to remind myself that delaying a step along the journey towards my dreams, and taking the time to plan my next move doesn’t mean that I’m failing, it just means that I’m increasing the chances of successfully reaching my destination.

“A goal without a plan is just a wish.”  ~ Antoine De Saint Exupery

Sometimes we hit hurdles along the way, and if you’re anything like me, impatience can get the better of us.  I know in my heart that I haven’t lost sight of my dreams and I know that I will get there, but I get frustrated with the time it takes.  I’ve set the wheels in motion, they are turning, but sometimes they just don’t seem to be turning fast enough!   It can be hard to accept that progress is still progress even if it is slow. 

“No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying.”  ~ Tony Robbins

There will be moments along your journey when it all starts to seem too hard.  At times, pursuing your dreams can be somewhat underwhelming!  This can quickly result in a sense of defeat…and a question as to whether it’s even ‘worth’ doing anymore.  It’s super hard to keep going when the result isn’t six weeks into the future.  It is perhaps apt to remind ourselves at these points, that it is as much about the evolution and growth of your personal self along the journey to your dreams, as it is the actual realisation of the dream itself.  The strength, patience and wisdom that comes from rising: to meet our challenges; to step over those hurdles; and to continue to crawl when you can no longer walk, is just as valuable and life changing.

“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.”  ~ Zig Ziglar

It takes a real solid, committed effort to keep pushing forward.  It’s a daily battle to keep your sub-conscious mind in check.  You know, the one that tells you you’re wasting your time, you’re a dreamer, you haven’t got a hope in hell.   But you know what?  Sarah Ban Breathnach said it best when she said, “The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers.  But above all, the world needs dreamers who do.”  So keep fighting the fight, keep rising above the negative voices and keep pushing forward with your pursuit.  Write things down and read them over and over again.  Listen to things that inspire you, take in the daily quotes, focus on what made you start this journey in the first place.

And every morning when you wake, ask yourself this one question:

“How am I going to live today in order to create the tomorrow I'm committed to?”  ~Anthony Robbins