2017 a year of new beginnings; a continued year of endings.
This was the year I forged ahead with my new energy healing business; throwing myself blind into the unknown. With every new person I met, I saw aspects of my life reflected back at me. The same relationship dynamics as I had personally experienced both past and present. Personalities and memories, thoughts and feelings, all so familiar that if I closed my eyes, I'd have sworn I was sharing the room with a family member or friend...and in some cases an alternate version of myself. With every space I created for others to be, to explore, to heal...I discovered raw aspects of myself that were seeking the light and love they themselves needed in order to resolve.
This year I also returned to work as a project manager. This time in the private sector, and without the 'family' of support from my previous life. To say this was a tough decision for me, would be an understatement. However, it was the right one for me and I know that. Not for the physical act of what the work involved, but for what it represented for me internally, and for the lessons and opportunities it offered me for emotional growth and my ability to self-support.
2017 saw more new friendships born, than in the last 17 years of my life. A whole new community of like-minded, soul-supporting friendships that have nurtured me in ways I am sure they don't even realise. Inevitably, life's yin yang propensity has meant the slow and steady letting go of old friendships. It is these moments where the internal reality can differ so greatly from the external.
Looking at me from the outside, you might see me walking confidently through life, backing myself and my decisions, throwing every last ounce of my being into pursuing my dreams, whilst doing my best to support my young family. Always with a half dozen balls in the air; most of the time looking like I have things under control.
Internally though it is often a very different picture. A lot of the time, I am just focusing on keeping one foot in front of the other. At times, it's like I'm a cd, stuck skipping in the stereo at track 2 when my physical existence has moved well forward to track 8. Caught ruminating on past experiences, feelings, hurts, losses. It can take tremendous strength to break the cycle. To hit the button. But sometimes you've just got to eject, remove, and restart again where you want to be; and hope like hell that the disc keeps playing forward.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could somehow reach that fluid state of being, where you could move freely between past and present? Peaceful reflection. Knowing. Faith. Trust and understanding of why all that was, was; and all that will be will be. Imagine an existence where your physical and emotional state were in complete alignment.
For the last couple of years, my external and internal states have been in disarray. Chasing each other's tails, wrestling with each other, trying to pull the other forward or back. So, here's to 2018 being the year where both states begin to align. Perhaps a slowing of the physical, to allow space for the emotional to come to meet it? That's my resolution for the New Year; and I wish you all the space, opportunity and strength to do the same.