Losing Myself

Losing Myself Mama Pyjama

It’s been a while between blogs…and if I’m honest, it’s because I’ve been staring down the slippy slope to Mama Pyjama Syndrome.   It’s been a reminder of how easy it is to let yourself slip.  Before you know it, you’re back in the cycle of letting life happen TO you, instead of actively participating in the living. 

I’ve been under a big chunk of pressure at work.  I remind myself daily that I’m not out there saving lives…but ultimately, I’m still trading forty hours of my life a week for this.  My life: my time with my kids, my time with my husband, my time for me.  It needs to be for something more than just the money.  There needs to be value in the trade-off, because when there’s not, it’s deflating and disempowering.  It just feels...wrong.

I’ve been absorbing so much of the negativity around me that it’s started to grow inside me and is making its way out of me in the form of complaints and judgements.  This is not who I am.  This is not the person I want to spend my life with. 

This is how it starts.  We’re going through the motions; feeling unfulfilled.  We’re doing stuff, throwing our heart and soul into it, and we’re getting little in return.  We’re working ‘round the clock but no one’s noticing.  We’re slowly fading.  Wearing down.  We didn’t have time to do the stuff we like to do last month, last week…and now we’ve pretty much forgotten about it altogether.  There’s no time right?  Everything else is more important, right?

Wrong.  This is the problem.  Whether the current demand is raising our newborn, or running our household of teenagers, or managing our career, or all of the above – the impact is the same.  If we put our ‘self’ on the backburner, all of this will be in vain.  What’s it all worth in the end?  When the demand and pressure lifts …what’s left of you? 

I’ll tell you what will be left.  A shell.  Oh sure, it’ll be a super-functioning shell, and people will no doubt shout praise about all the things you DO.  They’ll say how you “always get the job done”; how you’re “always there for them”; how they “don’t know how you do it”.  But what will they say about WHO  you are?  What you’re passionate about?  What sets your heart on fire?  What would you  say? 

When they ask you what you like to do in your spare time, how will you answer?  … “What spare time?”…Yep, this is the excuse you’ll use to cover up the fact that you can no longer remember what it is you like to do.

So here’s the deal - I can see myself slipping again, but I’m going to pick myself up and I’m going to practice what I preach.  It’s time to redefine my career.  It’s time to put some more colour back into my outfit.  It’s time to smile, to breathe deeply, and to embrace the new day when it breaks.  It’s time to remind myself of the importance of the present moment.  If it’s not working for me, I’m going to change it.  If I can’t change it I’m going to follow the wise advice to “change my attitude”.  We create our own reality.  The challenges before us are there to help us grow, learn, mature, heal.  I will embrace and treat them accordingly. 

There is time for me.  There is ALWAYS time.  I will plan a catch up with my best friends.  I will book in a night out.  I will find something fun to do with the boys that is active and creative, and I will get up and get out of the house with them no matter how overwhelming that feels.  I will achieve the goals I have set myself and I will do it with a positive mindset.  I won’t waste my breath complaining or judging the behaviours of others.  Right at this very moment, someone is taking their last breath.  I’m going to make damn sure my next breath counts.