Going Full Circle

Mama Pyjama Kellie Turtu

Today is Mama Pyjama's third birthday.  How have things changed in three years?  In a lot of ways I feel I’ve come full circle.  I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that this morning when I read my “three years ago today” memory on facebook, I felt pretty crappy about the whole thing.  I’ve been very absent in this space for the last five months…so knowing that, I felt quite a lot of emotions.  Guilt, frustration, anger, disappointment.  What some would perceive as an achievement or a moment of celebration, I felt as a moment to self-reflect and, in some ways, self-attack. 

I began this journey as someone who desperately needed to reconnect with herself and rediscover her passions.  I propelled myself into a whole new world of adventure and excitement and self care…and I was doing a great job of it.  But then something changed.  Somewhere along the way everything got on top of me.  Things got too much.  The more I dug to rediscover, the more I realised I needed to change things.  And change hurts.  Change is hard.  Change is draining.  I pushed and pushed and pushed until I reached break point…and at that point I decided to drop everything. 

Going Full Circle

I left my job of 16 years thinking that that would make me happy.  That it would give me the time to invest in MPJ and in following my dreams.  But the reality is – it didn’t.  I hadn’t anticipated the impact that leaving that safety net (as much as it drove me crazy) would have on my self worth and my state of mind.  I’ve spent the last eight weeks struggling with many, many things.  Leaving work shone a huge big light on all the other areas of my life, and has made me question a lot.

I miss the social interaction.  I miss the daily validation I got from working and interacting with so many different people with so many amazing qualities that added so much value to my life.  I hadn’t realised how much of my “self” had been built on these relationships and experiences.  I guess it’d be silly to think otherwise (since I practically grew up there), but in leaving it really does feel like I’ve lost a big chunk of “me” in the process. 

The question and dilemma that has been floating around in my heart and mind these last two months has been how to rebuild that part.  People say, go look for another job.  Or go join a community group.  Or get more involved with your childrens’ school.  But for me, that’s not the answer.  The key for me has been acknowledging that I invested so much of myself into work as a way to fill gaps I was feeling in other areas of my life.  I’ve realised even more through this process that I need to build up my own self worth from within – not from without.  Whilst social interaction is super important to a healthy mind and spirit - it cannot be everything.  I cannot base the majority of my self worth on how others make me feel.  I need to feel good within myself by myself for myself.

So, in a lot of ways, I’ve come full circle…but I don’t think I’ve gone backwards per say.  I’ve simply transitioned to the next phase of my journey.  Now I know what I’m passionate about, now I know the things I want in life (and as negative as it sounds, the things I don’t want)…now I know that I need to work on reducing my need for external validation.   So what needs to follow is the sometimes painful and uncomfortable process of voicing it, feeling the things that need to be felt,  making the necessary changes, and fully integrating all aspects of my life in order to honour myself and live my life in true reflection of who I was born to be.     

I’ve not been sitting completely trapped within my own melancholia these last two months.  I have begun making inroads towards this integrated version of my true self.  I’ve been studying vibrational medicine, and I’ve bought a vintage caravan that I hope to do up and one day use as a healing centre.  I have faith that everything will come together in time, and that the universe will ensure that it happens at exactly the right moment (when I’m truly living in alignment with my soul purpose). 

As has always been my driver, I am hopeful that in sharing my life experiences honestly, I will help others along their journey too.  I’m also hopeful that as I transition I will gain insight and experience that will provide tangible tools for others going through similar life changes – but until then, it may just need to remain as shared emotion and understanding. 

So until next time, peace love and good vibrations to you all xo

Posted on April 13, 2016 .